Have you ever wondered if you were ok? I mean, OK in the mental self. If you’re like me, then you know when depression looms in the distance… waiting for you to say “come and get me.” I have been a sufferer of depression for years. I used to think it was just something we called the blues – but once it’s had you in it’s disgusting grasp – u know there is only so much you can do. It’s similar to being underwater, not able to breathe fresh air – but not able to die. The only way it lifts is when you kick your legs to propel you towards the water break. the tricky thing about depression is, it holds you underwater until you convince it the kicking has been enough. so its not one day of kicking to propel upward. it’s a long time. some of us gives up and some of us keep kicking until one day, we pop out of the water. it’s only then we can identify what just happened. looking behind your right shoulder, you see it there, reminding you it’s far yet close. so you spend your time reminding yourself what you must not feel ever again, or it’ll get you under it’s black, murky waters.

i’ve been fortunate enough to only have one bad bout of depression when i was in my teens, and once i made it out – i was able to identify when it’s trying to pay a visit. i decided after brief experience that doctors were treating symptoms with something which affect our chemical levels in the brain. now, this is when faith comes in. is depression brought on by chemistry which we can’t stabalize – or is it something deep within our emotional cortex which shuts down when the world just begins to feel too heavy. i fought my way out of it without medicine because it’s emotional for me. i am the victim of my upbringing, but i choose to be rehabilitated.

the past week of being unemployed has brought feelings of confidence, relief, happiness, rest, lonliness, destructiveness, anger, saddness and hopelessness. in that order. my father called today to see how the job search was going, and offered his advice in taking anything at the moment. i politely agreed and realized there was something in me which had made it to my throat. it’s the infamous ball of tears and pain we so frequently forget – it was pushing its way up. i swallowed hard and said “it’ll be ok dad.” i’m too old for my parents to bail me out. and i can say with sheer awareness that they don’t want to save me. so if i have to sleep in my car i will. now of course, i’m being over dramatic but i’m hoping you’ll understand why i wont ask for help. i don’t  need it. i’m an adult.

shortly after getting off the phone, i realized how sad i was. i wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i’ve been living in my bed for the past few days. when jbs was here – it was ok because he was my excuse to sit around and mope. not to mention i was sick most of last week. so why can’t i tell myself everything will be ok? why can’t i understand that i shouldn’t panic. maybe its because i know its just me this time, and i have to put on armor to fight the looming depth to my right, and the smiling faces to the left. i have to make everything ok.

i guess it’ll be ok.

i can write until it feels better.