today i spent my evening among good people. i had a great 4th of July - not that i ever stop to think about the true meaning of this holiday. it doesn’t provide presents – therefore i don’t care. chuckle! i got to view fireworks downtown – and how beautiful they were.
and i spent time with my two favorite peoples – jbs & spammy.
love yuh guys!
Have you ever wondered if you were ok? I mean, OK in the mental self. If you’re like me, then you know when depression looms in the distance… waiting for you to say “come and get me.” I have been a sufferer of depression for years. I used to think it was just something we called the blues – but once it’s had you in it’s disgusting grasp – u know there is only so much you can do. It’s similar to being underwater, not able to breathe fresh air – but not able to die. The only way it lifts is when you kick your legs to propel you towards the water break. the tricky thing about depression is, it holds you underwater until you convince it the kicking has been enough. so its not one day of kicking to propel upward. it’s a long time. some of us gives up and some of us keep kicking until one day, we pop out of the water. it’s only then we can identify what just happened. looking behind your right shoulder, you see it there, reminding you it’s far yet close. so you spend your time reminding yourself what you must not feel ever again, or it’ll get you under it’s black, murky waters.
i’ve been fortunate enough to only have one bad bout of depression when i was in my teens, and once i made it out – i was able to identify when it’s trying to pay a visit. i decided after brief experience that doctors were treating symptoms with something which affect our chemical levels in the brain. now, this is when faith comes in. is depression brought on by chemistry which we can’t stabalize – or is it something deep within our emotional cortex which shuts down when the world just begins to feel too heavy. i fought my way out of it without medicine because it’s emotional for me. i am the victim of my upbringing, but i choose to be rehabilitated.
the past week of being unemployed has brought feelings of confidence, relief, happiness, rest, lonliness, destructiveness, anger, saddness and hopelessness. in that order. my father called today to see how the job search was going, and offered his advice in taking anything at the moment. i politely agreed and realized there was something in me which had made it to my throat. it’s the infamous ball of tears and pain we so frequently forget – it was pushing its way up. i swallowed hard and said “it’ll be ok dad.” i’m too old for my parents to bail me out. and i can say with sheer awareness that they don’t want to save me. so if i have to sleep in my car i will. now of course, i’m being over dramatic but i’m hoping you’ll understand why i wont ask for help. i don’t need it. i’m an adult.
shortly after getting off the phone, i realized how sad i was. i wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i’ve been living in my bed for the past few days. when jbs was here – it was ok because he was my excuse to sit around and mope. not to mention i was sick most of last week. so why can’t i tell myself everything will be ok? why can’t i understand that i shouldn’t panic. maybe its because i know its just me this time, and i have to put on armor to fight the looming depth to my right, and the smiling faces to the left. i have to make everything ok.
i guess it’ll be ok.
i can write until it feels better.
week one of unemployment. i feel rather odd. i’m in a bubble where its just numb. i kinda hear a buzzing which is similar to one in an industrial plant. i’ve kept in bed most of today. i read, had a nibble, watched tv, surfed the net for new jobs, talked on the phone, stared at the other side of my bed hoping jbs will return sooner than friday. of my temporary mental anguish of wanting to live in my little turtle shell came to an abrupt stop once i realized the moodiness which plagued my serotonin levels.
i think the place which is upon me is rather dark and quiet because i need it. i kept thinking throughout the day how much of a loser i’m probably bring – with a quick chuckle in my head – i then get up to refocus my activities of nothing.
it sucks when we take certain pills our doctors inform us may help – but it doesnt.. this is a pharmaceutical revolution, therefore there is a cure all for everything. i fell victim to my own ill, and became desperate for a quick fix. i saw my life hitting a wall and i needed a safe way out asap. so i spoke to my doc who said it works for everyone. i took it, and it did. it still does. but the minute i miss a dose..or fall off my schedule with time consistency..all hell breaks loose. the dizziness starts – but its not the regular spins. my equilibrium gets knocked off…and whenever i moved my eyes – my brain shakes. there is no other way to describe it. i get a raging headache and i wanna just scream or puek. once i get the pill back in my system..all the side effects withdrawal has brought me to starts easing off. takes a day. but before that – i’m sick and moody. its tiring – but the thought of getting pulled off this is like taking crystal meth away from someone who is addicted.
sighs.
am i bitter to want to send the owner of the satan worshiping business -i worked for up until last tuesday – hate mail? when i say hate mail, perhaps an email to point out injustices which were not spoken of because those who have – were fired. i have had the benefit of sticking to advice of the vets – shut my mouth and deal. i did – but now i’m not obligated to. once i left – i won’t go back ..no matter how well business picks up. i worked for someone who under appreciated their staff – and made no issue of it.
God guides us with a warm and loving hand – so i’ll figure out in my head – things will be ok. i am loved.
this weekend i came to grips with my realities of having phobias. one circulates around being jobless which eventually leads to homeless. the second, relationships.
so let’s examine:
this week i lost my job. the owner of the satan worshiping business said it’s survival mode time – and he can’t afford paying me. the majority of my design work focuses around retail. the past few weeks were obviously slow and i had a sinking feeling of defeat. i had been on the clock the least.. so call me the sacrificial lamb. i wasn’t offended because if i were a business owner watching my revenue disappear.. i’d do the same. my department racked up the most bills. designers don’t come cheap vs counter/cash register help & highly advance technical equipment need servicing. so – i wasn’t shocked at the loss, because i was reassured it had nothing to do with performance. fair warning or notice was all i needed and didn’t receive. i’ve licked my bitter wounds, and trudged on.
round two: boyfriend. i have a good looking, macho, stubborn, smart man in my life. we kinda live together although i have been unable to admit it to myself. we argue quite a bit, over who’s ruling is the best – and who’s ego needs to be highlighted. it sucks when both relationshipers are dominant. i want to be submissive, but in the face of dominance.. i position myself to pounce. unfortunately, my pounce is not quite graceful. i spend my time pushing buttons. huffing and puffing to let him know i can stand my ground. along with loosing my job last week – i was sick with a stinky cold. each evening he came home after working 10 hours, and politely made dinner. he cuddled with me, and made sure my tummy was full. little things of love i get. he’s bashful and thoughtful. on the same end, he’s cranky, frustrated and mouthy. i’m at my stubborn, selfish stage where i have befriended loneliness and feels it has been the most dependable partner. yesterday i felt trapped. we sat around, and i just felt trapped. all of a sudden, i wanted to start an argument. i wanted him to get mad and say it was over. this went on for most of the day. go figure – i feel better so i start fighting with the poor guy. our day passes, and i realized i was being a jerk. today – i started feeling the same way, so i decided to talk to him about it. it’s hard telling someone you love about relationship freak outs – so i tried to choose my words carefully. i explained to him my worries in being a good girlfriend – and being able to provide that “forever” part since it blew up in my face before. i told him i felt a little boxed in because we lived together, and maybe it was too soon, and bla bla bla. he just smiled and listened. no feedback. although i wonder what type of feedback i wanted. so plan b – cause a break up. i took of the pc while he was on it – he cursed..i waved my hand with an “NO ONE WILL EVER EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” i asked him to pack his stuff and leave. he said no. i got up and went for a drive. he went to sleep. i sat by him explaining in great pity, we were over. i told him it wasn’t working and he needed to move on. so he got up – and started packing. i started crying! o no! don’t leave me! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?? i rolled onto my stomach, and sulked. he jumped on top of me to apologize..and lovingly told me to go hang with my spammy so i could get a break and cool down. what’s wrong with me?? am i scared he’ll fail me..or i’ll fail him? we ended up going to a movie, and during the show..i kept staring at his beautiful eyes examining the screen. how handsome he was in the projector’s lighting. i had to touch him and hold his hand. it felt great. i asked spammy (who sat on my other side) if i was as stubborn as him .. she said yes. i’ve stepped into hardcore dominance for no apparent reason. in an old book called She, i learned to leave my nurturing light on for my hunter. somehow it stopped – i took the light off.
he’s sleeping now. it’s about 130 am..and his ship (literally) sails away tomorrow. i can’t help feeling sad because his heart will be away from mine. i wont have anyone to snap at – get made – put up with his attitude – constantly pick at his cursing. i miss him already.
**so that’s my life right now. panic attacks over hoping someone will hire me in order to claim my rightful high of the pheonix. and i’ll come to a center point within myself to understand he loves me. all my flaws – he loves me. and i love him.
